"if I were to choose to be honest and hurt a person or dishonest and hurt a person, I would always choose to be honest."

(quote by ruqin, rephrased)

In life we learn from our mistakes, and some of them prick us more than others. We set for ourselves certain standards to attain and others also have their expectations of us. Most of us feel that the weight of these pressures are too much hence they either choose to 'kill' themselves by fulfilling every one of them, or they simply go the other way - walk away feeling disgruntled.

Of course, there are unrealistic expectations - but by whose definition?

Well, hurt is a by-product of disappointment, caused by breaking of a contract/trust/agreement/understanding. You will always have to answer this question when that happens: to tell or not to tell? What will you choose?

Remember, 'we learn from our mistakes'. This statement implies that we all make mistakes, and we all REPEAT them. So, after you've made a wrong decision, don't screw up your relationships furthur by giving yourself an excuse to make another wrong move.

i'll be busy the next few days... so i might not have time to blog. gonna try to do a photoshoot tomorrow. hopefully it'll be successful...

there's also church and rehearsal so it's a long day tmr...

monday and tues will be prepping for christmas.
1) buy decor
2) settle who's bringing what food
3) find a green/red dress! OMG!
4) meet girlfriend elaine

weds.. hopefully i'll get to see hunny... it's so torturous!!!!!!!!

well... we just ended a FANTASTIC youth camp!!! My holiday wouldn't be complete without these guys and gals... i love you all....

misses and kisses
dreams and wishes

floating clouds like cotton candy
never reachable it seems

fishes swimming downstream
cattle jumping over fences
away from where I am

It's the touch of a man that sometimes calms a woman,
It's not the touch of a friend
nor is it the touch of family
But the touch of familiarity,
He whom she cares about and
He who also cares about her

She returns to an empty room
and places her hand on the dressing table
while looking in the mirror
All she sees is herself
She misses the man who was in the reflection

She takes off her jewellery
and places it back into the drawer
while changing into her nightgown
All she feels is herself
She misses the man who unraveled her

She proceeds to take a glass of wine
and rests herself on the sofa
while slowly unwinding
All she thinks about is him
Since he's been away
She's seen lesser of him
(Heard lesser of him)

She struggles to retain her composure...
But she languishes into tears...

It's the touch of a man that sometimes calms a woman...

Behind the strength of a woman lies a fragile garden that needs to be tended to.

Before
the
time
it
began,
the
soul
of
a
man
was
lonely.
Only
with
the
companionship
of
a
woman,
then
was
his
soul
satisfied.

come home soon....

it's about time i got started on doing my bdae thingy... i'll do the audio first.. since i don't have the videos with me.. it's in my other hard drive...

i'm missing best friend elaine now...

While I was driving along the ECP alone just now, it reminded me of how hun and I got stuck in a bad jam on our way to watch "We Will Rock You".

Hun enlisted today. Didn't get to send him in. Well, it's not that important I guess.. Am glad tt he called me to let me know when he's booking out. He said I'll only get to see him next year.

I miss him already. I don't miss being cared for as much as I miss him. Spent a few hours with him last night after 2 weeks of not seeing him and not talking to him. Yesterday's few hours were precious.

I should get some sleep. Have to wake up early tomorrow.

What a night!

Have been awake for 40 hours and counting.
Tonight was great. I think it was an awesome birthday celebration.
A little booze, a little high, a lot of fun.

To all who helped make THE PARTY ALBUM possible, cheers to you! You are all important!

To Matthan especially as he helped coordinate a big part of it...
To Joe who arranged the meet up with the guys...
To Thng who tried to work around everyone's schedule...

I am moved by how much you guys love rooch - that you would take time out of your busyness to contribute to the scrapbook!

To Jed, you're the man! Thanks for putting the party together!

To my hunny, I hope that it has been a memorable 21st bdae for you. The memories of your friendships have been stored in your party album! Keep it well!

Now I can finally get some sleep... *yawns*

i love jazz.

"...With a slice of fruit cake
and a glass of champagne
I'm listening to the rain
The heavy, forceful sound
of each droplet splashing on the ground..."

It's finally here

Hun is coming back today. *sigh* I've waited 2 weeks to see him... but... what a day to come back.

I'm ill, feeling breathless and my heartbreat is irregular... Still having flu and phlegm... Having a headache and my tummy is not too good...

I didn't sleep last night and I look horrible... I can't concentrate on my stuff and cannot even walk properly without tripping over.

Hopefully I'll be in better condition if I see him later..

prisoners of stereotypes

I decided to blog about this after supper with vanessa.

Recently, I've gotten to know a friend who just came out of prison. His story was on the Sunday Times I'll take a proper picture of it and post it soon, maybe next week.

Anyway, I realise that although many of us haven't had that kind of experience, we are some what prisoners too.

Prisoners of smoking, prisoners of alcohol, promiscuity, masturbation, internet, drugs.. etc..
Those are the obvious ones.. But we can also be prisoners of our own thoughts and emotions - it's when we feel that they are controlling us. We will say things like, "I cannot help but think this way" or "I don't know why I'm feeling like that."

I was watching the rise of the silver surfer today and in the film, Jessica Alba told the silver surfer, "Everyone has a choice."

It's true, isn't it? What we think propels how we feel and hence, the result is our actions. But, it doesn't just stop there.

Our actions will neccesitate the consequences in due time. It will affect how people think of you. It will cause them to form their opinions of your character. In essence, the way you live is telling of who you are.

If you prove or show yourself to be of good calibre, then I guess, that's not much of a problem. However, if the opposite comes to pass, then it might take months, even years, before people wipe off the negative imprints in their minds.

STEREOTYPING.

Plain and simple.

I wonder where our ancestors learned how to do that.

Well... I've had my share of stereotypes while growing up. It seems as if another wave is hitting the shore again. I must becareful of what I say and especially, what I do. I'm glad that I have people like Vanessa to help me with this.

She's my keeper. :)

AGENDA

today's agenda:

1) Watch Boston Legal Season 4, Episodes 3 and 4.

2) Continue DreamFall (I might need a walk thru for this... I'm desperately hopeless... I'm walk thru is in Israel so I have to resort to using an online one)

3) Collect stuff from Vanessa at Eunos

4) Drink lots of water! I'm falling ill!

Updating...

I still can't really talk.. but I must blog about this..

My Grandma asked me in mandarin, "never see your friend come?"

At first I didn't know what she was talking about... I thought mum told her that tracie and gang were suppose to come yesterday.. so she's probably asking why they didn't..

So I replied, "you mean yesterday?"

Then she said... "nope.. he came last week..."

haha... I realised she was talking about RU.

I told her that Ru and his family are in Israel now and will be back next week...

I feel odd but happy at the same time coz she knows that he's my boyfriend.. hehe..

Just enjoyed a gd film - Never Back Down.

It's probably just the kind of film I was hoping to watch. Have been watching Boston Legal in the day and getting quite turned on. Not what I want to feel right now.. it probably explains the occasional minor flirtations that have been going on today. Uggh... I can't stand myself.... tho there's this person that I kinda had fun talking to. *winks*

Anyway.. I just wanted to watch something that would cheer me up, not make me more tense or hor-nay..

I watched brokeback mountain in the afternoon which made my mood worse because it ended on a sad note. Followed by thank you for smoking which was better..

Still.. Never Back Down made my day!

Haha... I think I shouldn't watch Boston Legal when my parents are around.. they'll get the wrong idea...

Okay... i think i've reached my quota of words today... I'm satisfied.. going to catch some sleep now. :)

Goodnight to the whole world!

if a song were to be written
it should be about love
it would hit the charts
in a week

if a man would to give his life
it would be because of love
the story would be published
the next day

coz we're made to love
and be loved
not to be lonely individuals
we're created for this purpose
the reason for a dying person
to hold on to his last breath
just to be with the one whom he loves
for a second more

if I were to say "I do"
it is because of love
it'll be only once in my life
it'll be forever

if love was that easy
we'll all be happy
but to be happy is not easy
we all need to love

Being sick is horrible. I'm so not used to staying at home for the whole day. I think I'm gonna get bed sores if I stay at home tomorrow too. I want to sneak out!

I must say that I'm doing pretty well with tahan-ing the pain. I'm trying not to use painkillers so I won't be dependent on them.

I'm just blogging random thoughts..

I hope that chao is fine. Not sure if he's still at elaine's place. Elaine gave me so much to think about when we spoke on the phone just now.

We all seem to be going through our own trials..

All relationship related..

Funny how we're wired for relationships, romantic or not. ..

Hun's itinery today:

Visit the Wailing (or Western) Wall, and the Temple Area with the Al-Aksa Mosque and Dome of the Rock. Visit the City of David, Pool of Bethesda, Mt Zion, Tomb of King David. Pass through the Stations of the Cross where Jesus carried his cross to be crucified. Holy Sepulchre church, Upper room, Southern wall, Archaeological garden, Davidson Centre. End day with service at Garden Tomb.

My Thoughts:

I'm praying that he's feeling better already after the puking and fever... Looking at his plans for today... I'm praying that God will speak to him. I can already imagine myself there... I also remember dad, alan and gina in Israel previously where they prayed at the wailing wall and how God spoke to them that day...

As I take time to pray and fast today, may God also bring me through that journey with Christ to the cross.. To remember him at that time..

TORMENT. NUMB MY PAIN.

i guess u'll feel like this once in a while... the word is... EMO...

Jovian said guys don't cry, they just wear shirts with the word EMO on it.. haha... sounds like someone i know..

Newae.. it's one of those days for me..

Boston Legal Season 5, EP 10 started me on this emotional roll... Jerry expressed his feelings for Katie. She doesn't know how to respond. Carl proposes to Shirley and she accepts. Danny's disappointed. The firm goes bankrupt.

It's bizarre how this season ends... It seems to be a built up of events for the next season...

It reminded me of hun.. I guess because of all the relationship bits...

So.. I'm emo.

I don't need to talk to anyone.. I just wanna rest.. I'm tired.. but I can't.. the pain is killing me.. I refuse to take painkillers!

grrr.... I'm glad that it's only an extraction...

I miss hun...

"it's gonna be alright in the morning..."

I just said goodnight to Jovy... am turning in now...

a tune of sorts
gah.

dun feel gd tonight.
it's nuttin' to do with the tooth.
nuttin' to do with anyone.
just dun feelz gd.
ya understand?

an unfinished tune
lala..

went to my piano and started with
'can't take my eyes of you'
managed to figure that one out.
then my emotions carried me to
'moon river'
i kept playing that one.
i did.
i told elaine.
but i played out another melody
a chord progression of fourths, fifths, thirds and sixes,
then to the minor fourth...
the minor fourth...
i lingered there abit longer...
i can't finish it...

the melody starts out sweet
not like the beginning of love
but just the sweetness of romance
it's like pastel pink
the minor fourth brings it to another level
a deeper longing
for each other
where it takes the simple small talk furthur
just a little
maybe it ends with the holding of hands
maybe it ends with a peck on the cheek
maybe it ends with both of them gazing at each other
maybe it ends just there -
the closing is open (that's an irony)

since i can't speak,
this is all i can do now.

Time is passing so slowly...

i miss u hun.

BOSTON LEGAL

Just finished watching Boston Legal Season 5, I'm dying to watch Season 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP 5 guys Blacklisted

1) RONALD - !@#$%^&*

2) TAN YING PENG - HAD SOMETHING ELSE ON

3) BEN PUA - FRIEND BROUGHT FORWARD MEETING TIME

4) JEREMY HU - HEADACHE

5) ONG CHAO SHUN - AT GIRLFRIEND'S PLACE

ALL OF THEM WERE SUPPOSE TO MEET US YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I GOT PANG SEH-ED BY FIVE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL ON THE SAME DAY!!!!!!

RONALD WAS THE WORST... UNCONTACTABLE... PROMISED TO MEET BUT NO SHOW... AT LEAST THE OTHER GUYS BOTHERED TO SMS... FORGIVABLE... UNDERSTANDABLE... BUT RONALD!!!!!!!!! I'M NEVER GOING TO AGREE TO MEET UP WITH HIM AGAIN!!!!!! THAT MAN CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK TO YOUR WIFE AND KID.

God has been good.

I can't stop telling you how much God has done..

Hun went to Israel on thursday and I guess, without him around, I'm more aware of God's presence coz there are no distractions. I take stock of the good things that happened and I count my blessings!

Haha..

FRIDAY - I managed to invite David to VBS and he was very ministered to by Catherine's message. He had just ended his exams that day and he told me, "this is a good way to start my holidays!""

SATURDAY - Mum told me that Mr. Bake's daughter wants to learn pop piano and he asked if I could have some lessons with her :) You see, recently, I've been praying and asking God to send me people so that I can impart this gift that he has given me to others! If not, I'll remain good for nothing! What good is a gift if it is not given or shared?

SUNDAY - Elaine came to church with me! For the first time! haha... the last time was because of ru's gig, that was his church, which I'm so thankful that I took the courage to ask her to come. But I think I'm still apprehensive to ask her about how she feels after service and the God stuff. Well, it''s one step closer nevertheless. I encourage all fellow bros and sis, do not lose heart doing good for in due season, you will reap the harvest! I've invested alot of my time and energy into relationships that matter to me because they haven't encountered Jesus! If there's a reason we're put on this earth, it's to know his love and pass it on! Think about the massive harvest out there! Just look around you! How much are you giving yourself to that? It takes more than what we're doing now! Be intentional!

Praise God for the good things he has done!

This week, I'm going to start fasting again. I just feel that I need do. It's been a while. Yesterday, daddy was preaching about being addicted to the things of God and letting the word of God master us. I miss my intimate times with Him. After reading "THE SHACK", it made me miss my papa.

"Lord I offer my life to you

Everything I've been through

Use it for your glory..."

"And I'll let my words be few

Jesus I am so in love with you..."

Trying to Get the Feeling Again

I've been following Boston Legal and I fell in love with this song! Although I laughed most of the time when the song was played! (It's all Danny's fault!)

Here's the lyrics:

Doctor, my woman is coming' back home late today
Could you maybe give me something ?
Cause the feeling is gone and I must get it back right away
Before she sees that
I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
All around, trying to get the feeling again
The one that made me shiver
Made my knees start to quiver
Every time she walked in

And I've looked high (high), low (low)
Everywhere I possibly can (high)
But there's no (no) trying to get the feeling again
It seemed to disappear as fast as it came

Where did it run to? I thought I'd done all that I could
Just to keep the love light burning
But whatever I've done, guess I just haven't done it too good
Cause all that's left is
I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
All around, trying to get the feeling again
The one that made me shiver, made my knees start to quiver
Every time she walked in
And I've looked high (high) and low (low)
And everywhere I possibly can (high)
But there's no (no) trying to get the feeling again
It seemed to disappear as fast as it came

And I've been looking', I've been looking', I've been looking'
I've been up (up), I've been down (down), and trying to get the feeling
I've been up (up), I've been down (down), I've been trying to get
I've tried and I've tried and I've tried to get (up) the feeling (down)
I've been trying to get the feeling again
I want to get that feeling (2x)
I've got to get that feeling
I've got to get that feeling again (up)
And again (down) and again (trying to get that feeling)
Trying to get (up) the feeling (down)
I've been trying to get the feeling again

"...you've gone through the acts of religion and faith and yet found yourself more often than not at a dry well. Prayers seem empty. Goals seem unthinkable. Christianity becomes a warped record full of highs and lows and off-key notes.

Is there all there is? Sunday attendance. Pretty songs. Faithful tithings. Golden crosses. Three-piece suits. Big choirs. Leather Bibles. It is nice and all, but... where is the heart of it?... I had no answer. All my verses so obediently memorized seemed inappropriate. All my canned responses seemed timid."

As I grabbed "No Wonder They Call Him The Saviour" by Max Lucado to read it in the toilet, I came across this quote in the first few pages.

I felt exactly like that on Wednesday.

I went for a haircut at Bedok, at a home salon. Her name's Michelle and she's really good. My dad thinks I look like ru now especially because of my curls and because I changed the parting of my hair today.

Well, usually when you meet someone for he first time, you would talk about what you're doing. So I was asked just that and it opened a whole can of worms about Christianity. Michelle mostly could not accept the fact that Christians (youths and young people) dress loosely to church, i.e. tank tops and short skirts. She said that she it's not being respectful.

At that moment, I didn't know how to reply her because I really don't think that the outward appearance matters when you are a Christian. At the same time, I understand that it stumbles people because people do stereotype us as the 'holy' people, therefore they expect us to look a certain way. So I guess I was quite torn. If I agreed with her, I would be hypocritical. If I didn't, I would be stumbling her furthur.

I could only say that I understood her point of view..

Sometimes, we're too church-ed up that we find ourselves stuck in these kind of situations! Come out of your little cacoon all you churchy Christians! Stop hiding and get real!

Be a thermostat, and not a thermometer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the introduction of chaos.

(picture taken at changi airport)

to the dearest one in my life
one who shares my greatest joys
one who shares my lowest times
God has brought us together for purposes that only he will know
we can keep guessing what it is
and at times we might get it
at others, we might not
This year, a very special year
we have walked it through
Now as we enter a new season of our lives
I pray that this chaos will bring us to another level in our relationship
As we practice patience
and continue to learn about each other
May love constantly expand to contain that knowledge

May God empower us with his grace, his strength and his love

As He Leadeth us...

The Shack

This book is for anyone who is ready for a mind-blowing experience, to explore the faith from a perspective that challenges religion at its best.

Presenting... THE SHACK

This book changed by life and God used it to speak to me about many issues...

It's your turn...

Get it today.

Only Child Syndrome

I had a good chat with Grace today. We talked about lotsa stuff, well, you know, girls talk. We start with one thing and it snowballs to an hour-long conversation.

She made an observation about me, that I shouldn't feel victimized, or resigned to circumstances. I told her that ru mentioned it to me too.

I know. I tend to feel this way when things don't go well for me. And I'm kinda wondering whether being the only child has anything to do with it. It's always two against one. Nobody to defend you, nobody to speak up with you, nobody to agree with you.

Mum made a very harsh comment about me just now. I'm trying to be rational. I know she doesn't mean what she said but it's just too hard to swallow. I guess that's why we need God's strength. Almost everyday, I have to deal with hurtful words thrown at me by them. I didn't know how to respond to mum just now. I simply walked away...

In tears she whispers her lullaby
The song her mum used to sing
Now the song has faded
It has become screeching noises
Deafening to her ears
She no longer hears the familiar tune
That once was sung to her
She shuts her blurry eyes
As she hums the broken melody of her soul...

傻瓜

词:温岚
曲:吴克群

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁 暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说
其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱 撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭
傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤
傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

My Own Space

It's all I hear from you
"Do this, do that"
You guilt trip me by saying
You thought I would be home earlier

Ugh.........

What's this?
I need to put all my work aside
To finish yours at 1am?

I need some time away from work!
It's too much!
Too demanding!
It never ends and
There's no proper working hours
I work through the day and through the night

I need to be available whenever you need me
I can hardly breathe

Honestly,
I don't want to go for the dinner tonight
I'm too tired and stressed out
But do I have a choice?
Apparently not.
It's 6pm now and you expect me to be there before 7?!?!

I miss doing so many things
But I can't now
I have no off days
Even when you're away
I have work to do

Today's Sunday
It's suppose to be a day of rest
and I have to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to go and chill tonight after work.
Somebody please.
Save me.

French Maid

If you follow my entries, you'll probably know that I LOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEE dressing up... I cannot tell you how much I love going to parties, especially theme parties... I am super onz about dressing up...

This year, most of my friends celebrate their 21st and there have been many who try to spice up the party with themes!

Gwen's party was 'back to old school'.. so we wore school uniforms.

Evan's party was 'secret garden'.. so we had to wear something with floral prints. I wore my oversized cheongsam. haha.. well.. I'm glad I just altered it, now it fits me well.. (no pictures for this... But I'll upload some pictures of Mrs. Wong in the cheongsam after the production tomorrow!)

Aside from birthdays, I went for BC's YAF retreat and they made everyone dress up as pirates. I rented a corset from No.1 Costume Shop to match my pants and heels.

During our own church camp, the committee went along with a Hawaiian theme, so we had to wear something or that sort. Haha, for that, I wore my Hawaiian print bikini which nobody saw of course. LOL. I had a racerback tank over it with my grey shorts from FOX.

(I was sick and cold that day, so I put on a Jacket.. told ya.. everyone else was dressed to kill.. so was I.. It's just hidden that's all :P)

So, why bring this up?

Well, Elaine's bdae is next week and her theme is apparently 'RETRO DISCO SUPERSTAR'! I think it's kinda confusing because I don't know what it means. Blame it on my lousy english. But I do have a look in mind that I wanna try to pull off..

(anyone has a pink plastic dress that I can borrow or buy? *winks*)

Having said all that, I'm coming to my main point. Note the title of my entry, "French Maid". I wonder... Will anyone set that as a theme for a party? It's a playful and kinky one.. hehe.. but, "that's the way... I like it.." I just placed a bid on ebay for a French Maid dress. I'm going to buy it!

(Unfortunately, this piece costs $50+... cannot afford.. cute right?)

There's something about him...

He's hot, he's spicy, he's tangy, he's sexy and feisty... mm... start with a nibble from the top and work your way down to the end... lick it to savour its taste and chew on it to feel its juice ooze out in your mouth... oOoo... He makes me wet with pleasure as I open up for him to enter and let him slide his way down the narrow passage.. I can't help but go, "Ahhh... ooOhh... Yes! Yes! Yes!... Give me more! Give me more!"

Nothing ever tasted so good as...

the HOT DEVIL DRUMLETS!
Try it while you still can! Only $3.75 for 3 pieces!
Available in two flavours!
Spicy Thai and Fiery BBQ!

ONLY AT KFC.

Cavalier

–noun
1.a horseman, esp. a mounted soldier; knight.
2.one having the spirit or bearing of a knight; a courtly gentleman; gallant.
3.a man escorting a woman or acting as her partner in dancing.
4.(initial capital letter) an adherent of Charles I of England in his contest with Parliament.

–adjective
5.haughty, disdainful, or supercilious: an arrogant and cavalier attitude toward others.
6.offhand or unceremonious: The very dignified officials were confused by his cavalier manner.
7.(initial capital letter) of or pertaining to the Cavaliers.
8.(initial capital letter) of, pertaining to, or characteristic of the Cavalier poets or their work.

–verb (used without object)
9.to play the cavalier.
10.to be haughty or domineering.

Go Organic

I've been drinking this once a day since last thursday when I bought it from aunty Just. :) It's the first time I really trying products and supplements. I never thought that I'd ever buy into these nonsense, but I heard about its results so I decided to give it a try. It's much more convenient than detoxing the coffee enema way... haha...

Jack tried this and said that its effects are really good too. Well, it's my 5th day. I've increased my intake from 1/2 a spoonful to 1, hopefully I'll see the results soon...

Have been reading about it on forums and blogs too... I think it's pretty trustable...

"Do not worry...."

Hun got his enlistment letter today. I'm having mixed feelings about him going in. On one hand, I'm glad that he finally knows when he's going in, so things are more certain for him. The earlier he goes in, the earlier he will ORD, so it's good too :)

But there's just so much fear and worry within me. Hun knows. He asked me about it today and I just broke down and cried before I could say anything. We talked about it and he assured me that I'll be fine.

"Pray for me," he said.

He's right. Prayer will help me keep focus on the right things. As I learn to surrender this burden to Him, I know that He will make it light! Jesus, you're my certainty! Help me to fix my eyes on you!

I need my "do not fear" scriptures! One for every day!

Today's bible study verse:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30

Uncle Fuji was explaining to me about how the oxen are trained in Japan. They will tie the tails of the pair of oxen together and when the oxen try to go their own way, they will end up fighting because they are stuck to each other. The stronger one would win and the weaker one would submit to the leadership of the stronger ox when they are both yoked together.

It's just like Christ and us. He invites us to be yoked together with him, to be led by him as he bears our burden and makes it light for us.

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign;
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I love Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree;
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
(Oh my saviour) If ever I love Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow,
If ever I love Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

There's a war going on inside each of us
A battle only we can fight
It changes us
It makes us who we are
Choose to win
Choose to live
Choose today

She started out right
Black was black and white was white
But that changed in one day
When black and white turned grey

The thrill behind the masquerade
She never felt this way before
But all these escapades
always left her wanting more

She's looking for love
wherever she can find it
She craves the attention
Because she doesn't get it
There's no way out
She doesn't know it
Soon she's gonna be over
if nobody hears her

The man who shared her bed
Left her yesterday
Distraught, she sought comfort
At the cathedral she prayed

There she met a girl
She never felt this way before
But this short lived fairy tale
Brought her misery once more

I like this picture :) haha... Ya Kun!

Give me desire
Give me hope
Give me the longings of a 21-year old
Give me intelligence
Give me beauty
Give me joy
Give me patience
Give me something to fill the void inside........

It never seems to end................
The pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the frustration, the chains that bind me, the agony, the misery, the cries.................... they never stop.................... they never stop................. the never stop................

I'm drying out..........................
I wanna fade away..................
I wanna rest.............................
I wanna rest.............................

Give me peace.

I shut my eyes..........................................................................................................................................
A little sleep,
A little slumber,
She sleeps away the tears and the heartache
She sleeps it all away
She puts her sword down
Lets down all her defenses
The life of a tiny scratch on the rope has come to an end
In her dreams,
She chooses to remain
never to awake again...........

"Do You wanna go to the place they call 'Freedom'..."
Is there such a place?
The song continues to play
as I plow through my work for the day
Seriously, screw the idea of freedom.
Don't mind my language, but
It's just not a practical thing.
How can anyone have freedom?
One man's freedom is founded on another man's misery
My definition of freedom might not be yours, you see.

The idea of freedom is foolish
If freedom is the ability to do what you like
Then you're just gratifying yourself
That makes you selfish

Can one really attain liberty?

Everyday, your life is decided by the people living with you
"Do this..."
"Don't do that..."
"Take a pill," she would say to me when I'm ill
I'd be a rebel if I refuse.

Teachers, the Government, Authorities...
Your voice is silenced.
Your will at their command.

Even the bible talks about predestination.

So what's freedom?
The absence of control?
If it is, then it's not at all.

"The penny rolls along the pavement and onto the streets, following the dotted lines that divide the lanes, wearing out slowly as the journey gets arduous, it disappears into the horizon..."

When Did You Fall

Chris Rice - When Did You Fall
From the album Amusing

You’re all smiles and silly conversation
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, you smile and you turn your eyes away
C’mon, tell me what’s right with you
Now it dawns on me probably everybody’s talkin’
And there’s something here I’m supposed to realize
‘Cause your secret’s out, and the universe laughs at it’s joke on me
I just caught it in your eyes, it’s a beautiful surprise

Chorus:
When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue
‘Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Make your way over here, sit down by this fool, and let’s rewind
C’mon, let’s go back and replay all our scenes
You can point out the hints, the clues, the twists and the smiles this time
All the ones that slipped by me
I bet my face is red, and you can hear my heart poundin’
Well I guess it don’t matter now that I realize
‘Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now
Right there before my eyes
You’re my beautiful surprise

Chorus:

Was it at the coffee shop
Or that morning at the bus stop
When you almost slipped, and I caught your hand
Or the time we built the snowman
The day at the beach, sandy and warm
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm
I never saw the signs
Now we’ve got to make up for lost time
And I can tell now by the way that you’re looking at me
I’d better finish this song so my lips will be free

Have you been waiting long, when did you fall in love
I kept you waiting so long, when did you fall
Have you been waiting long
When did you fall in love with me
When did you fall in love?

VBS

Last Friday, we had Video Bible Study in church. I was very blessed by the message. Wayne Cordeiro spoke on doing church as a team but what spoke to my heart was his personal story. He was invited to sing one of his songs at a seminar but because he was so nervous, he forgot the words and by the time he actually finished to song, he felt so horrible, he wanted to give up bible school altogether. He felt that if he couldn't even do the song well he definitely was not cut out to be a pastor. But immediately after his performance, the president of the organisation came up to him and encouraged him. The man said, "there have been many times I wanted to quit. But now, whenever I think about quitting, I'll always remember that young bible school student who struggled through his song and never gave up."

I guess for me, being a young person starting out in ministry is not easy. There are many things that I have to learn that are beyond skills alone. It's a whole lifestyle change. "It comes with the job," I say. A lot of times I find myself having to fight negative thoughts and overcome them - thoughts of inferiority, thoughts of inadequacy. It's worse when you have people saying to you that you're too young or that you're incapable.

But, like that man, whenever I have thoughts about quitting, I'll be reminded of Pastor Wayne's victory! I must finish well!

Anyway, here's another of his messages that I enjoyed. It's entitled: The Power of A Blessing.
(click!)

Be blessed!

JB

Boo! Didn't have the time to take any pictures of the trip :(

Vanessa and I went to JB for makan just now. I must say, it isn't as scary as I thought it would be. All the jitters about how dangerous it is for two girls to drive alone across the causeway into JB, they are but groundless theories to me!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaha... God has not given me a spirit of fear!!!!!! Oh yea! (just kidding la... I know that there's still truth behind it)

Anyway, we made it in and out, alive and safe. Thanks to Pastor Kel of course.

He brought us to a local coffee shop behind Hyatt Hotel. Vanessa and I had Kway Teow Soup and 2 Ramly burgers that we bought from the roadside stall across.

The few hours went by so quickly as we talked. May be it's because we haven't met in a while so there was a lot of 'updating' to do. hehe.. or catching up you might call it.

After the dinner/supper, we went to SHELL to top up petrol. Some people there were so kiasu, they shaked their vehicle so violently just to get that extra litre of petrol in. LOL. It was a new experience for me as I learnt how to DIY :P *so BLUR* hehe.. You don't have to DIY in Singapore mar..

The jam was pretty bad when we came into JB but going out was alright. I sent Van home and we chatted for a while below her block. I needed to rest for a while because I wasn't feeling well. Felt like vomitting and my cramps were acting up too... that's what you get for being a girl.

hmm.. I hope that I'll be well tomorrow! Time to get some rest!

Goodnight blog.

Mrs. Wong

I met up with Nat last week to discuss about her new play "Rama and The Mixed Up Washing." She asked me if I was interested to help since I'm quite free now so we talked about it more and she cast me as Mrs. Wong, the rich 'tai tai' who lives in the house of Wong, the one with a white verandah and the banyan tree! How fun!

Haha, today was the first rehearsal. It was great getting to know the other people involved in the play. We went through my lines too. What I need now is to look for a cheongsam. But then again, I might not spend the money to buy.. I think I'll just alter mine coz it's loose.

Well, the only thing I think I dread is the travelling. It takes me 2 hours to get to NIE from my place. Boo! Well, at least I have angel to accompany me after rehearsals. hehe..

All I Want Is You

Haha... I fell in love with this silly song when I was at Wala yesterday with SHITTY. A guy from Perth came to publicize his album and he sang a cover of this song "All I Want Is You" taken from the movie JUNO. I told Ru that I want him to sing this song when he proposes to me.. hehe.. :X

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

Andrew Lum & New Asia

"whoo!!!" The crowd cheered as they wrapped up their set with their own version of Sukiyaki.

Hun and I went to Jazz by the Beach at Sentosa yesterday. We got a table and had a lovely dinner with the accompaniment of live music by Andrew Lum and New Asia. hmm... Their music is kinda like fusion. They have a Erhu musician as part of their band. Very interesting.. go have a listen!

Check them out at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=197938331

The pieces they played yesterday included
-Flowing in Seasons
-Matter of Time
-Anticipation
-Poison
-Besame Mucho
-Sukiyaki

Jalan Kayu Virginity Lost!

We look like we're in heaven because the lighting for this picture is over exposed.

Well, it's my first time to Jalan Kayu and the first time I ate Chicken Murtabak.

I'm glad I have a picture to remember this eventful supper time with my friends.

Good fellowship and good food. Take me there again!

Looking forward to our next big group supper.

*sigh* to what has become of my school... Times are different now... Tts why it's so important to maintain the friendships and be there for each other or else it's gonna get harder to survive alone.

Time to say goodnight.

"Above all else, guard your heart..."

In her PINK nightie, she writes about the events that happened today...

The highlight of my day was talking to Ruqin. Though I attended various meetings today and met up with many people, somehow, the time spent with them was not substantial enough for a conversation to develop.

I was almost half-dead during dinner and couldn't contribute much to the conversation. My brain just froze, like stopped.

Well, I must admit that part of the reason was that I missed ru. Havent seen him in two days. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don't think I'll get a chance to see him in the next few days either. I need more 'pak tor' time!

Hehez.. anyway, I rushed home after sending Vanessa back. Managed to catch ru while he's still awake. We had a gd chat :) I missed that.

I hope that we'll get the opportunity to meet soon.

Revisit your fears, confront them, overcome them. But NEVER run away from them.

Worthlessness, helplessness and hopelessness:

The three ingredients of depression

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had lunch with Row today. Met her at 12 and only left PS at about 5pm... Had a gd talk but there's alot for me to reflect and think about.

I'm checking my schedule this week and I'm totally booked till Sunday. I hope I'll be able to steal some time to rest.

I can't sleep because so many thoughts are in my head. I wanted to talk to cheryl but she was busy. When she called me back, I was busy. No one to share these thoughts with... I need to get it out soon... But who do I tell?

I'm back on facebook for a specific reason. I've got to battle temptations now. Self control is the name of the game. If all else fails, I'll be off facebook within the next week. Don't want it to screw up my life again.

I have a dinner appt tmr but I have a facial at 3pm. Oh bother, I'm going to look terrible.

Poochie's trying not to bark when he sees other dogs. That's an improvement.

I'm still having problems sleeping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I have to be up tmr morning at 7. That leaves me with less that 6 hours of sleep.

I miss playing my guitar. It's missing a string so I cannot play it. It's too late to be jamming on my keyboards now. I need to get the missing string ASAP.

My lappie's still with the bloody idiot. The lady is going to call me tomorrow to update me she says.

I need to go to SIMLIM to format the 2 ext HDs. It's driving me mad because I keep forgetting to do it. And one of them is Vanessa's.

I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......
I AM GOING INSANE......
I AM GOING INSANE......
I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......
I AM GOING INSANE......
I AM GOING INSANE......
I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......I AM GOING INSANE......

Giving Up My Rights...

We don't have control over so many things in life. Yet knowing this, we still find it so hard to let go of things: children, spouse, relationships, pets, circumstances, PRIDE.

During the leader's retreat, we received feedback about our strengths and weaknesses. It was jotted down on paper so we each kept our own evaluations.

Funny how I never dared read what people observed about me. I put my notes aside and never did pick it up till today when dad 'forced' me to.

With much fear and courage at the same time, I braved myself to face whatever I was about to read.

Now, I... I don't know how I should feel.

It's not a distinct feeling of contentment or condemnation.

I think I will need time to process my thoughts and emotions...

Is it going to be another sleepless night? Hopefully not.

Goodbye Hans Voralberg...

Deniece offically completed Syberia II at 8.00am today.

Battling Lust

Met a few school friends for dinner yesterday at Midsummer Nite Breeze. "Wo De Hao Jie Shao".. hehe.. Too bad Amelia, Yoshi and the others couldn't make it. We had such a gd time :)

Why the title "Battling Lust" then? Please don't get me wrong. I wasn't thinking of that over dinner.

It's just a topic that came up when we were strolling along the park. Although I've been to MNB many times, I never did walk around the area. Many things have changed over the years. But it was so dark yesterday, all we could see were figures of couples making out! LOL! Nah.. that's an exaggeration. We only saw 2 i think? :P

Anyway, Anthony asked me a few questions about lust and my replies were pretty frank according to him. I didn't give him the details but I shared with him my struggles as I also mentioned during youth last week. We discussed on "adultery" and of course, you can trace the act back to its roots - lust.

I feel that sometimes I don't really agree with the stereotype that guys struggle with it more than girls. I think that we girls face the same level of desire, especially when you've tasted its fruit and you know that it is good.

Anthony drew an important link between lust and adultery. He said that if you don't get rid of lust, instead you choose to entertain it, it will open the door for many other temptations. You will begin to say that "it's ok". In other words, your conscience will be seared. In the context of marriage, it might even lead to adultery.

I paused him there for a moment and added that lust is no respector of persons. Regardless of whether you're male, female, single or married, it will hound you. That's why people say "It happened so fast! I didn't know what I was doing!" (- Dan from Syberia)

We both agreed that LUST is a scary thing. It should not be taken lightly. The more you give in to it, the more it will rear its ugly head.

God, please give me self control! I must not let my desires consume me! Being contented is so difficult sometimes, I just don't know what to do. You see me when I'm alone and you know what goes through my mind. You are the only one who hears my cries and you know me best. Forgive me again for succumbing to sin. Help me to seek You and Your RIGHTEOUSNESS. Help me to keep my thoughts pure. You are the God who upholds the weak and I can do nothing apart from You.

I Love You Lord.

Syberia

After 3 days, I finally completed Syberia I (There's a part II) and I've had a lot of fun following the story, solving the mysteries and learning about automatons and mammoths. I'm eager to start on Syberia II. Hopefully I'll see hunny next week and he'll help load it on my com. Speaking of which, my mac should be ready by next week.

Well, I've certainly had my share of adventure while playing Syberia and I will definitely review the videos which have been saved.

Thanks hun :)

It's time to recommend Syberia to my friends!!!

argh!!!!!

having a splitting headache caused by playing RAYMAN

Thanks Hunniepoo

It has been a confusing but fruitful 2 days.

Hun helped me reinstall Windows on my lappie yesterday afternoon at Siglap Coffee Club! The aircon was FRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRikin cold there, a shawl was not enough to keep me warm and hun was working on my com so no huggies *awwww*

Wellz, I had no idea that there was so many things to install and download. I thought it all came together with the Windows installation CD. Hun wrote down a whole list of stuff that I needed to download and that's what I spend today doing. It's quite tiring I must say. Hun solved my sound driver problem and after that, I did nothing but run apps and restart my com to see if they work. I havent tested all tho.. I'm quite confused by what I still need to do. At about 6 plus, I was so drained I didn't want to have anything to do with my lappie anymore.

*sigh*

hope everything works out alright.

Next: Cheryl's lappie

To St. Anthony's

Adeline asked me to replace her for 3 days at SAC from 22 - 24 Sept (mon-wed). Whoa! Finally, I've come to the end of all my dance lessons this year!!

Just wanna thank all the students for the fun they've given me over the 3 days. I know I didn't do much, haha, except for shouting at you girls to keep quiet. One girl came up to me today and asked me to stand on the chair so they can better hear me. LOL.

Anyway, I've learnt many games from the girls. My favourite is this one "Pussy wants a corner". hehe... The idea of the game is that the pussycat in the center of the circle has to go up the others and say "pussy wants a corner," and their reply must be "ask/see my next door neighbour." The pussycat has to keep asking till they find a space. Meanwhile, the others around the circle have to ind a way to exchange places with each other without the pussycat stealing their corner. :) It just sounds so wrong, that's why I like the game... hehehehehehehe....

Other games I've learnt are
- Cat and Mouse
- SPLAT!
- Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup and
- Blood Potatoes!

*I feel so old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

For your reading...

Adultery

Kerby Anderson

---

Kerby Anderson is the president of Probe Ministries International. He received his B.S. from Oregon State University, M.F.S. from Yale University, and M.A. from Georgetown University. He is the author of several books, including Genetic Engineering, Origin Science, Living Ethically in the 90s, Signs of Warning, Signs of Hope, and Moral Dilemmas. He also served as general editor for Marriage, Family and Sexuality.

He is a nationally syndicated columnist whose editorials have appeared in the Dallas Morning News, the Miami Herald, the San Jose Mercury, and the Houston Post.

He is the host of "Probe," and frequently serves as guest host on "Point of View" (USA Radio Network).

---

Adultery and Society

The seventh commandment says "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Nevertheless, this sin has been committed throughout history. Today, though, adultery seems more rampant than ever. While tabloid stories report the affairs of politicians, millionaires, and movie stars, films like "The English Patient," "The Prince of Tides," or "The Bridges of Madison Country" feature and even promote adultery.

How prevalent is adultery? Two of the most reliable studies come to similar conclusions. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior estimates that "More than one-third of men and one-quarter of women admit having had at least one extramarital sexual experience."{1} A survey by the National Opinion Research Center (University of Chicago) found lower percentages: 25 percent of men had been unfaithful and 17 percent of women. Even when these lower ratios are applied to the current adult population, that means that some 19 million husbands and 12 million wives have had an affair.{2}

Whatever the actual numbers, the point to be made is that adultery is much more common than we would like to admit. Family therapist and psychiatrist Frank Pittman believes "There may be as many acts of infidelity in our society as there are traffic accidents."{3} He further argues that the fact that adultery has become commonplace has altered society's perception of it. He says, "We won't go back to the times when adulterers were put in the stocks and publicly humiliated, or become one of those societies and there are many in which adultery is punishable by death. Society in any case is unable to enforce a rule that the majority of people break, and infidelity is so common it is no longer deviant."{4}

Perhaps you are thinking, "This is just a problem with non-Christians in society. It can't be a problem in the church. Certainly the moral standards of Christians are higher." Well, there is growing evidence that adultery is also a problem in Christian circles. An article in a 1997 issue of Newsweek magazine noted that various surveys suggest that as many as 30 percent of male Protestant ministers have had sexual relationships with women other than their wives.{5}

The Journal of Pastoral Care in 1993 reported a survey of Southern Baptist pastors in which 14 percent acknowledged they had engaged in "sexual behavior inappropriate to a minister." It also reported that 70 percent had counseled at least one woman who had had intercourse with another minister.

A 1988 survey of nearly 1000 Protestant clergy by Leadership magazine found that 12 percent admitted to sexual intercourse outside of marriage, and that 23 percent had done something sexually inappropriate with someone other than their spouse. The researchers also interviewed nearly 1000 subscribers to Christianity Today who were not pastors. They found the numbers were nearly double: 45 percent indicated having done something sexually inappropriate, and 23 percent having extramarital intercourse.{6}

Adultery is in society and is now in the church. Next, we'll look at some of the myths surrounding extramarital affairs.

Myths About Adultery

Marital infidelity destroys marriages and families and often leads to divorce. Public sentiment against adultery is actually very strong as approximately eight out of ten of Americans disapprove of adultery.{7}

Yet even though most people consider adultery to be wrong and know that it can be devastating, our society still perpetuates a number of untruths about adultery through a popular mythology about extramarital affairs. At this point we want to examine some of the myths about adultery.

Myth #1: "Adultery is about sex." Often just the opposite seems the case. When a sexual affair is uncovered, observers often say, "What did he see in her?" or "What did she see in him?" Frequently the sex is better at home, and the marriage partner is at least as attractive as the adulterous partner.

Being pretty, handsome, or sensual is usually not the major issue. Partners in affairs are not usually chosen because they are prettier, more handsome, or sexier. They are chosen for various sorts of strange and nonsexual reasons. Usually the other woman or the other man in an adulterous relationship meets needs the spouse does not meet in the marriage. Dr. Willard Harley lists five primary needs for a man and five primary needs for a women in his book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. He believes that unmet needs, by either partner, are a primary cause of extramarital affairs. He has also found that people wander into these affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite of whatever strong moral or religious convictions they may hold. A lack of fulfillment in one of these basic emotional areas creates a dangerous vacuum in a person's life. And, unfortunately, many will eventually fill that need outside of marriage.

Frank Pittman, author of the book Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy, found in his own personal study that many of his patients who had affairs had a good sex life, but came from marriages with little or no intimacy. He concluded that, "Affairs were thus three times more likely to be the pursuit of a buddy than the pursuit of a better orgasm."{8}

Sex may not be involved in some affairs. The relationship may be merely an emotional liaison. Counselor Bonnie Weil warns that these so-called "affairs of the heart can be even more treacherous than the purely physical kind. Women, particularly, are inclined to leave their husbands when they feel a strong emotional bond with another man."{9}

Myth #2: "Adultery is about character." In the past, society looked down on alcoholics as having weak character because of their problem. Now we see it as an addiction or even a disease. While that doesn't excuse the behavior, we can see that can't be merely labeled as bad character.

There is growing psychological evidence that adulterous behavior in parents dramatically affects children when they reach adulthood. Just as divorce in a family influences the likelihood of the adult children to consider divorce, adulterous behavior by parents seems to beget similar behavior by their offspring. Is this not one more example of the biblical teaching that the sins of one generation being visited upon the next?

Myth #3: "Adultery is therapeutic." Some of the psychology books and women's magazines circulating through our culture promote extra-marital affairs as positive. This myth that an affair can revive a dull marriage is a devastating lie. Depending on which source you are reading, an affair will: make you a better lover, help you with your mid-life crisis, bring joy into your life, or even bring excitement back into your marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. An affair might give you more sex, but it could also give you a sexually transmitted disease. It might bring your marriage more excitement, if you consider divorce court exciting. Remember that adultery results in divorce 65 percent of the time. "For most people and most marriages, infidelity is dangerous."{10}

Myth #4: "Adultery is harmless." Movies are just one venue in which adultery has been promoted positively. The English Patient received twelve Oscar nominations including best picture of the year for its depiction of an adulterous relationship between a handsome count and the English-born wife of his colleague. The Bridges of Madison County relates the story of an Iowa farmer's wife who has a brief extra-marital affair with a National Geographic photographer that supposedly helped re-energize her marriage. The Prince of Tides received seven Oscar nominations and shows a married therapist bedding down her also-married patient.

Notice the euphemisms society has developed over the years to excuse or soften the perception of adultery. Many are not repeatable, but ones that are include: fooling around, sleeping around, flings, affairs, and dalliances. These and many other phrases perpetuate the notion the adultery is guilt-free and hurts no one. Some have even suggested that it's just a recreational activity like playing softball or going to the movies. Well, don't pass the popcorn, please.

Forbidden sex is an addiction that can--and usually does--have devastating consequences to an individual and a family. Adultery shatters trust, intimacy, and self-esteem. It breaks up families, ruins careers, and leaves a trail of pain and destruction in its path. This potential legacy of emotional pain for one's children should be enough to make a person stop and count the costs before it's too late.

Even when affairs are never exposed, emotional costs are involved. For example,adulterous mates deprive their spouses of energy and intimacy that should go into the marriage. They deceive their marriage partners and become dishonest about their feelings and actions. As Frank Pittman says, "The infidelity is not in the sex, necessarily, but in the secrecy. It isn't whom you lie with. It's whom you lie to."{11} 1

Myth #5: "Adultery has to end in divorce." Only about 35 percent of couples remain together after the discovery of an adulterous affair; the other 65 percent divorce. Perhaps nothing can destroy a marriage faster than marital infidelity.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. One counselor claims that 98 percent of the couples she treats remain together after counseling. Granted this success rate is not easy to achieve and requires immediate moral choices and forgiveness, but it does demonstrate that adultery does not have to end in divorce.

Preventing Adultery: Her Needs

How can a couple prevent adultery? Dr. Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage provides some answers. He has found that marriages that fail to meet a spouse's needs are more vulnerable to an extramarital affair. Often the failure of men and women to meet each other's needs is due to a lack of knowledge rather than a selfish unwillingness to be considerate. Meeting these needs is critically important because in marriages that fail to meet needs, it is striking and alarming how consistently married people seek to satisfy their unmet needs through an extramarital affair. If any of a spouse's five basic needs goes unmet, that spouse becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair.

First, let's look at the five needs of a wife. The first need is for affection. To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages: (1) I'll take care of you and protect you; (2) I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you; (3) I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.

Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. For the typical wife, there can hardly be enough of them. A hug can communicate all of the affirmations of the previous paragraph. But, affection can be shown in many ways such as: kisses, cards, flowers, dinners out, opening the car door, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls--there are a thousand ways to say "I love you." From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man.

The second need is conversation. Wives need their husbands to talk to them and to listen to them; they need lots of two-way conversation. In their dating life prior to marriage, most couples spent time time showing each other affection and talking. This shouldn't be dropped after the wedding. When two people get married, each partner has a right to expect the same loving care and attention that prevailed during courtship to continue after the wedding. The man who takes time to talk to a woman will have an inside track to her heart.

The third need is honesty and openness. A wife needs to trust her husband totally. A sense of security is the common thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. If she can't trust the signals he sends, she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to him, she always feels off balance; instead of growing toward him, she grows away from him.

Financial commitment is a fourth need a wife experiences. She needs enough money to live comfortably: she needs financial support. No matter how successful a career a woman might have, she usually wants her husband to earn enough money to allow her to feel supported and to feel cared for.

The fifth need is family commitment. A wife needs her husband to be a good father and have a family commitment. The vast majority of women who get married have a powerful instinct to create a home and have children. Above all, wives want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to commit themselves to the moral and educational development of their children.

Preventing Adultery: His Needs

Now, let's look at the five needs husbands have. The first is sexual fulfillment. The typical wife doesn't understand her husband's deep need for sex anymore than the typical husband understands his wife's deep need for affection. But these two ingredients can work very closely together in a happy, fulfilled marriage. Sex can come naturally and often, if there is enough affection.

The second need for a man is recreational companionship. He needs her to be his playmate. It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching sports and movies they would never have chosen on their own.

After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. But this option is very dangerous to a marriage, because men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. Among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.

A husband's third need is an attractive spouse. A man needs a wife who looks good to him. Dr. Harley states that in sexual relationships most men find it nearly impossible to appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone--there must be more. A man's need for physical attractiveness in a mate is profound.

The fourth need for a man is domestic support. He needs peace and quiet. So deep is a husband's need for domestic support from his wife that he often fantasizes about how she will greet him lovingly and pleasantly at the door, about well-behaved children who likewise act glad to see him and welcome him to the comfort of a well-maintained home.

The fantasy continues as his wife urges him to sit down and relax before taking part in a tasty dinner. Later the family goes out for an evening stroll, and he returns to put the children to bed with no hassle or fuss. Then he and his wife relax, talk together, and perhaps watch a little television until they retire at a reasonable hour to love each other. Wives may chuckle at this scenario, but this vision is quite common in the fantasy lives of many men. The male need for his wife to "take care of things"--especially him--is widespread, persistent, and deep.

The fifth need is admiration. He needs her to be proud of him. Wives need to learn how to express the admiration they already feel for their husbands instead of pressuring them to greater achievements. Honest admiration is a great motivator for men. When a woman tells a man she thinks he's wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He sees himself capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level.

If any of a spouse's five basic needs go unmet, that person becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. Therefore, the best way to prevent adultery is to meet the needs of your spouse and make your marriage strong.

Notes

2. Samuel Janus and Cynthia Janus, The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1993), 169.
3. Joannie Schrof, "Adultery in America," U.S. News and World Report, 31 Aug. 1998, 31.
4. Frank Pittman, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy (New York: Norton, 1989), 117.
5. Ibid., 13.
6. Kenneth Woodward, "Sex, Morality and the Protestant Minister," Newsweek (28 July 1997), 62.
7. "How Common Is Pastoral Indiscretion?" Leadership (Winter 1988), 12.
8. In this poll Americans were asked: "What is your opinion about a married person having sexual relations with someone other than his or her spouse? Their answers: 79% answered "always wrong" and another 11% answered "almost always wrong." Cited in "Attitudes on Adultery," USA Today/CNN/Gallup Poll, 1997.
9. Pittman, 122.
10. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (Norwalk, Conn.: Hastings House, 1994), 9.
11. Pittman, 37.
12. Ibid., 53.