Had a talk with grace after Bible Study last night.. haha.. I think we face quite similar struggles. Don't know how we ended up talking about some stuff. I guess it was just a natural progression. I enjoyed how both of us were open to each other about our inadequacies and vulnerabilities because it lets you know that you're not facing yours alone. I think that's the point of the conversation - to encourage.

Hmm.. Will be starting worship prac in 5mins. After youth today, I'll be sending Vanessa to pick up some stuff at Eunos and possibly back to church to dump it here. (it's for the mission trip). I'm also supposed to hang out with cheryl. I don't know how that's going to work out. We'll see. And hun has family matters tonight so I won't be meeting him. If time permits, I'll bring poochie to my aunt's place and I think I'll crash there. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night so I foresee that I'll be v tired come evening.

Okay.. signing off...

As of today...

Am tired.. Just came out of the shower and was text twisting.. Managed to hit a high score of 39,000 but I cannot remember my previous score on Windows so I don't know if this score beat my last. Well, I think it's not bad.

Thought of doing some reading but I think I'll fall asleep while reading the first page. Think I'd rather head straight to bed.

The day didn't start out good for me but it ended extremely well!

Woke up at 7am as usual to walk poochie, had my breakfast, watched some tvee and then went back to sleep again. Thought I could sleep my day away. But my parents kept calling me repeatedly to check on me. I found that annoying until I told my mom that their calls are disrupting my rest. That didn't stop them from calling though.

So I got super pissed. Spent the afternoon doing some reading and watching tvee again. I wish I had movies on my lappie to watch. hehe.. I have a desktop now! So I can throw my movies there to watch! Hooray! I'm going to ask hun to throw his stuff there too so I can game... yay!

Anyway, mum fetched me and poochie to church in the evening and I figured that I'd use my spare time in church to sort out the CPUs. I feel a sense of accomplishment! I'm not that dumb after all! I know how to connect the wires and set up a desktop. lalalala..

After meeting, I met Jeremy and Cheryl for supper. I feel kinda bad eating prata and drinking milo. I think I'm having slight gastric pains now. Will down some water before I sleep so I won't feel so terrible.

The highlight of my day was talking to hunny at night. :) It's nice to know that you're missed by someone you care about.

I hope I'll make it for Bible Study tomorrow though I'm not really in the mood for it. Need to prepare to lead youth on Sunday. I'm still cracking my head for games! I need inspiration Lord!

Okay, time to go to bed. But first.... to the kitchen to get meself a glass of water!!

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Just reached home, walked the dog and took a shower...

I'm at another cross junction of my life. Now dad wants me to go Myanmar with him next week from Tuesday to Friday for me to take my mind off things and have a change of environment.

I don't want to go anywhere now.

I want a place to rest where nobody can find me.

I want to be alone.

The Road Ahead

Two weeks ago, after sharing my testimony, I had a little chat with God. I told him that I've gone through a lot of hardship in life, but have never dropped out of school. Well, I guess he heard my nonsense.

I think out of this experience, I will learn to cherish the opportunity to study. Wherever the Lord leads, I pray that the road ahead will make me a more broken and humble person.

It's lunch time now and I'm drinking 'mu gua nu nai' (papaya milk). I don't have appetite for anything else.

To my dearest

You've always been there for me through the months we've been together. I know that I make you worry a lot. But be assured that I'm in good hands: God takes care of me very well. He will be there for me when you cannot. Still, I want to thank you for encouraging and supporting me in this season. I cherish you and appreciate all your care for me. My prayer is that He will also be there for you in times when I cannot, and that He will give you joy in whatever you do.

I love you more with every day,
deniece

In You

Abba Father shine through night
Lead me in your perfect light
Take my every step in hand
Guide me though your master plan

Though my heart may fail within me
Tossed where waves and breakers roar
Still I know you go before each rise and fall

In You
I will rest in hope
Knowing you are in control
My soul will make it's boast
Knowing in you I am home
Lord where you lead I'll go
In you I can stand secure
Coz I am found in you forevermore

-Music and lyrics by Jocelyn Ong

Give me a place to rest where nobody can find me.

Midnight cravings

Cereal & Milk...
I'm thinking about my favourite food now. It's in the fridge but I don't feel like getting it. I am hungry. But my emotions overwhelm my physical needs.

Just had a talk with Lewy online. I signed on MSN while watching Harold and Kumar halfway and he messaged me.

He asked me how was I because he was shocked when he saw me at the office this afternoon. I guess anyone would be. My eyes were red and puffy from the crying in the Dean's room. I looked like I got punched in both eyes. I hung my head down to avoid weird glares from the people walking out of the library as I waited to speak to Avoni.

I thought I got a hold of myself. But my emotions swarmed back to me as I was chatting with Lewy. I'm going to miss the small group sessions where we shared heart to heart with each other. I'm going to miss the occasional outings to Little India during lunches. I'm going to miss walking to the coffee shop through the back gate between 12-2pm when it's opened. We eat at the coffee shop so often that when we don't, the aunty will always say, "wei shen me na me jiu mei you lai le" (Why haven't I seen you guys in so long?!). I'm going to miss the chicken mayo and spicy tuna sandwiches at Hans. I usually arrive just in time for class so I only get to eat my breakfast during the first break at 10.30am. Titus and I would head to Hans to grab our $2 sandwich - enough to last us till lunch. I'm going to miss spending hours in the library ploughing through the books to research for my papers. I'm going to miss paying the fines because I'm always late in returning my books. I'm going to miss playing keyboard and leading worship for chapel. I'm also going to miss the embarrassing moments each time I have to interpret for the worship leaders. I'm going to miss snoozing in the library and the student lounge - especially when Avoni is onz about it with me. I'm going to miss mugging through the night during the examination periods.

There're so many things I'm going to miss... I don't think I'll be able to get over it any time soon... If I appear to be cheerful, deep down inside I know I won't be. The smile on my face is only for show - so that people wouldn't worry about me.

The last five years of my life...

The fond memories accumulated thus far...

The friends I've made whom have come and gone...

The pain and torment I've endured from the judgments pronounced over me without even the hope of getting a trial...

The anguish of my soul...

I just want to be alone

A year of trials

wow...

2008...

one after another...

it doesn't seem to end...

God is changing me, revealing to me my flaws, humbling me, breaking me...

over and over again...

I'm so broken I think I'll never get angry again...

People can criticize, curse, swear at me, put me down, beat me up...

I think I'll just take it all in...

I just received a shocking news today...

It's time for me to face uncertainty and deal with anxiety...

I owe many people apologies, especially to the two people i love, my parents.

The year hasn't ended and there's so much weighing down on me already. What else is there God? What else is there?

I surrender. Take it all away. Take everything from me. My possessions, my studies, my ministry, my friends, my loved ones. Just take it all.

Or better still, take me. Huh. Just do it. Be cruel for once. Take the life that is of no worth, no value, no meaning. You sent the flood to wipe out mankind. How hard is it to send down lightning that will strike at me?! huh?!

It's so sudden.. and I won't feel so shitty if I'm the only one involved. It affects my parents and the people who care about me too.

I surrender Lord. It's over. You win. I don't want to take matters into my own hands anymore. I don't expect things to get better. Take what you want. I'll give it willingly.

Emo Night

Yet another night of stupid thinking...

Did buying the dog do more harm or good?

It's in your hands God

Yay! It's 16th August! 100% day!

It's going to be a very significant day for me and I believe for many others too. It'll be my first time serving together with the 100% team! I've made many awesome friends doing this project.

To the handmime team: Joses, Zandra, Christina, Mel Ko, Doug, GR, Michael, JChan, Kai Jye, Amandie, Xiu Chin and Corinne,

It's been great choreographing with you guys especially when we everyone contribute their creative ideas and we see it all come together! (All thanks to the FBTs for inspiration!) I'll never forget this wonderful and enriching experience. Besides the seriousness during rehearsals (actually, we were never serious.. lalala... haha..), I will miss all of your smiles and laughs, Amandie's being the most high pitched among us all. I've enjoyed the painting gloves sessions as we sang to Cheena Pop and Emo Songs like "I can be your hero baby!" and "Wo Wu Suo Wei". "Home" was out best hit and I'm glad I recorded it on video! (Karaoke some time soon alright?)

Well, I want to appreciate Joses for coordinating all the rehearsals, working out the choreography, faithfully bringing his lappie and even marking out the verse, prechorus, and chorus on the track to better facilitate our practices. He was given only 2+weeks to make it happen and he did. I know he'd very much like to be part of the performing team on stage, and you know what Josy, you are! Without you, people wouldn't be singing praises about how well we did during rehearsal today! I hope you'll come on stage to take that bow with us later because we're incomplete without you!

To my dearest one, ruqin, it's going to be the first time we're serving together too, and I'm very excited about that. I believe that it has been quite an adventure for both of us these past weeks. We've been stressed, discouraged, humbled, tested, individually and as a couple. There were times when we were quick to make assumptions that led to miscommunications, and other times, we lost our patience with each other. But through all this, I'm glad we still kept our eyes fixed on Him and I believe that we have both grown spiritually because of that. We have also grown closer as a couple and my prayer is that God will use both of us for his purpose in 100%. As we offer him our gifts and talents, may they be the seed that he will plant in the hearts of many who will be there later.

Dear God, I surrender my part in 100% to you - the sharing of my life story and my part in the handmime. I know I'm not perfect and I cannot do it on my own. So Lord, let your spirit guide me in the words that I will say, and give me super memory for the handmime performance! May everything in me be a fragrance of worship unto you.

May all the glory go to you God, and not to us.

Praise You!

"...there are a few things more chaotic then the beat of a human heart... speeding up, slowing down, a pretty face, a flight of stairs. It's always changing depending on what is happening to us out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of tha... there is in fact a pattern of truth and it's love. The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it and we choose to receive it, making it the least random act in the entire universe. it transcends blood, it transcends betrayal, and all the dirt that makes us human..."

-From the movie: Chaos Theory

Just had a bad dream. I dreamt that I was quarreling with a primary school classmate and I felt misunderstood. He pissed me off so badly I couldn't concentrate on my work, I almost hit him because I couldn't take the insults and the judgments. He didn't bother to ask about my intentions, instead, in front of everyone, he shouted at me as if I was the one at fault. But he didn't know me at all.

After a while he went back to doing his work and left me alone.

All these emotions seemed so tangible.

We happen to sit together again at lunch because all the other seats were taken.

Unbelievable!

I was so mad that I yelled at him for the hurtful words he said to me.

And the last thing I remembered about the dream was his reply, "Ya, that's because YOU'RE SO FULL OF YOURSELF!"

And I woke up in tears...

I called Pastor Dennis to postpone today's meeting to next week. I don't think I'm in the right mind to see him at 9.30. I need some time alone to reflect about myself. My next appt is at 12am with Aunty Justene. I hope I'll feel better soon...

I LOVE YOU!

To ...
the pompous ass, sarcastic Englishman, lazy bum, annoying bugger, blunt nut, corny joker, fiery tempered, heavy sleeper, objective idiot...
and at the same time...
the gorgeous looking, compassionate friend, faithful listener, brilliant conversationalist, sophisticated thinker, natural performer, skillful musician, talented singer, expert troubleshooter and affectionate lover... etc...

My hunny!

Here's a toast to everything I love about you!

I need to write...

There's so much going on in my mind... I need to write...

I wanted to blog after watching 'xue jing chu geng' but Adeline and I were talking about Kate over MSN so I couldn't focus. I can now.

I was thinking about him the whole day. We've been seeing each other so often last week, it felt weird not seeing him today. It isn't a bad thing. It just makes me miss him. As I was thinking about him, I felt inspired to write a song about him. But it slipped my mind when I came home.

We talked when he woke up and it's true that for most of the conversation, I was very happy. He likes to make me laugh. His jokes never fails to amuse me, his intentional care and concern for me makes me feel loved. Unfortunately, during our conversation, I think I pissed him off a few times. I guess it got kinda awkward towards the end of the call because we were interrupted by the fault connection of the line. He probably felt annoyed too and it was hard to go back to what we were talking about before the disruption.

I can't sleep.

After we hung up, I cried profusely because I felt terrible. I poured my heart out to God as my tears stained the pillow. I told him about my fears, my insecurities and my inadequacies. I'm afraid of so many things and I don't know how to tell him. In front of him and everyone else, I don't want to appear weak and pitiful.

Is this a matter of objectivity versus being emotional? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm just being emotional because of the state I'm in now.

But people get tired being objective all the time.
I feel so fragile now, vulnerable to everything and everyone.

I sit in my living room with the lights are off because they're all asleep.
I'm surrounded by darkness.
The only light I have is from my lappie that's in front of me.
I cannot see beyond that.

I sit in my living room reflecting on what I said that hurt him.
I'm filled with guilt and remorse.
The only thing on my mind is the affectionate time we had in the car yesterday.
I don't want to think of anything else.

The honest expression of our feelings
that affirmed each other of our importance
in this relationship made me feel cherished;
The heartfelt gratitude of appreciation
showed me that my efforts were not in vain;
The earnest and sincere prayer
that we offered to Him who taught us how to love each other
depicted our dependence on him.

This relationship is like a roller coaster ride.
There can be many up and down moments in one night.
Some days are better than the others and
We have our days when things don't go well between us.
I believe that it's all part of this thing we call 'relationship'-
The art and science of learning about another person
(his likes, dislikes, what annoys him and what makes him happy)
so that you will know how to relate to him.
Funny how the word 'ship' is attached to it for a ship sails through
both calm and troubled waters in its voyage.

Our response to the situation we're faced with is the crux of it all.
it determines how the other person will feel.
An angry reply will command another hostile remark
But a soft answer turns away a heavy wrath
Praise God when the weather is fine and
Praise God when the weather is stormy.
It's all in His plan.

I'm sorry for being so irritating tonight hun.
I hope that I'll be able to make it up to you soon...
I love you.

Knocked Up

I finished the content of my essay! WhooHoo!!!!! 5000 words!!!!!!!! It's crazy, I know. I've never written anything that long. haha..

Oh wells. The footnoting and formatting is kinda confusing so I thought I'd leave that till later. I should take a break. Opened the fridge and took out a slice of coffee cake from Montreux (Is that how it's spelled? I'm too lazy to get the spelling correct.) So I decided to finish watching Knocked Up while enjoying my coffee break. Well, it's technically right coz I'm eating a coffee cake although I'm not drinking coffee. -.-|||

And..

I think I like the show! Despite all it's porn (I'm sure it must have been censored when it was released in the cinemas)... Well you can't really say it's porn because the director didn't have the intention to turn the audience on, or to stimulate them visually. It's too blatant. (Like Ebichu)

fleshofthestars.com is a load of crap!!!!! haha.. I had a good time laughing at their foolish and failed endeavours.

My point. I do like the show. It motivates me to want to have a baby too! Age is not a factor for me, it's the fact that I'm not married!! So I shouldn't be having a baby at this point according to society and religious standards. hmm... but yes... I am certainly looking forward to my first baby!

I'm having a hard time finding pictures of the baby from the movie and it's getting late. So I'll stop my search. Will continue my paper now..

mmmm...

*dreaming of you future one*

Unwell...

Haven't been feeling well this week. Have been having cold sweat and my body temperature has been quite high. My body feels hot..

Woke up today with a bad throat and ache-y body..

sigh...

Couldn't find a replacement for changkat.

Had 100% prac at night.

Didn't get much rest...

sigh...

Have you ever seen someone everyday but whenever you're not near him, you just miss him so much?

Met hun on tues to hang out, wed to pass him ad's com, and tonight for 100%.

But I hated the goodbye after sending him home and when we hung up the phone. I miss his voice, I miss his laughter, I miss his complaints, I miss his teasing... I miss him...

If it's not for how uncomfortable I'm feeling, I wouldn't have said I needed to rest.

I really miss him tonight.

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh oh please tell me these
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight?

I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie would you run away
Am I in to deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight

I just want to hold you
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care you're here tonight

You can take my breath my breath away
I can be your hero

Bad day...

I didn't do much yesterday. But yet alot happened.

"isn't it ironic?"

I stayed at home most of the day till the time came for me to go for my dance class.

That afternoon, I was chatting with Jeremy online and I think I was being very unreasonable.

I ended the conversation with "forget it! You're right! I shouldn't have asked you anyway!"

After cooling down, I regretted the words I said...

I tried sms-ing him to apologize, I tried to message him online but he never replied any of my messages...

The sucky day continued...

Hunny was kind enough to fix evan's com at such a short notice. He even made the effort to teach me how to use ubuntu. And, he gave me a massage knowing that I had back aches.. But I took all his kindness for granted.

I pissed him off...

I msg-ed him to say I'm sorry..

I hope I'll hear from him soon...

*sigh*