I need to write...

There's so much going on in my mind... I need to write...

I wanted to blog after watching 'xue jing chu geng' but Adeline and I were talking about Kate over MSN so I couldn't focus. I can now.

I was thinking about him the whole day. We've been seeing each other so often last week, it felt weird not seeing him today. It isn't a bad thing. It just makes me miss him. As I was thinking about him, I felt inspired to write a song about him. But it slipped my mind when I came home.

We talked when he woke up and it's true that for most of the conversation, I was very happy. He likes to make me laugh. His jokes never fails to amuse me, his intentional care and concern for me makes me feel loved. Unfortunately, during our conversation, I think I pissed him off a few times. I guess it got kinda awkward towards the end of the call because we were interrupted by the fault connection of the line. He probably felt annoyed too and it was hard to go back to what we were talking about before the disruption.

I can't sleep.

After we hung up, I cried profusely because I felt terrible. I poured my heart out to God as my tears stained the pillow. I told him about my fears, my insecurities and my inadequacies. I'm afraid of so many things and I don't know how to tell him. In front of him and everyone else, I don't want to appear weak and pitiful.

Is this a matter of objectivity versus being emotional? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm just being emotional because of the state I'm in now.

But people get tired being objective all the time.
I feel so fragile now, vulnerable to everything and everyone.

I sit in my living room with the lights are off because they're all asleep.
I'm surrounded by darkness.
The only light I have is from my lappie that's in front of me.
I cannot see beyond that.

I sit in my living room reflecting on what I said that hurt him.
I'm filled with guilt and remorse.
The only thing on my mind is the affectionate time we had in the car yesterday.
I don't want to think of anything else.

The honest expression of our feelings
that affirmed each other of our importance
in this relationship made me feel cherished;
The heartfelt gratitude of appreciation
showed me that my efforts were not in vain;
The earnest and sincere prayer
that we offered to Him who taught us how to love each other
depicted our dependence on him.

This relationship is like a roller coaster ride.
There can be many up and down moments in one night.
Some days are better than the others and
We have our days when things don't go well between us.
I believe that it's all part of this thing we call 'relationship'-
The art and science of learning about another person
(his likes, dislikes, what annoys him and what makes him happy)
so that you will know how to relate to him.
Funny how the word 'ship' is attached to it for a ship sails through
both calm and troubled waters in its voyage.

Our response to the situation we're faced with is the crux of it all.
it determines how the other person will feel.
An angry reply will command another hostile remark
But a soft answer turns away a heavy wrath
Praise God when the weather is fine and
Praise God when the weather is stormy.
It's all in His plan.

I'm sorry for being so irritating tonight hun.
I hope that I'll be able to make it up to you soon...
I love you.