MIss

Miss having small group where we get together and share God's word.. bounce of new spiritual revelations with one another.. and sharing our highs and lows so that we can encourage each other..

It's so lonely nowadays.. and tough to be the one crying alone in the room.. thinking that I'm the only facing the battles of life..

Well.. I guess it's hard for any one to understand me.. I don't take the easy road in life and I'm always challenging myself to become better.. The decisions I make are very different for every one around me. My job is not stable, and I'm only studying part time so that I can spend the rest of my time pursuing my passions. Some Christians might not even consider me as part of the faith community because of the things I do. Even my parents think I'm too bold.

Well, with no one to share my week with and talk to.. I guess I'll just have to accept it as a fact of life.

1, 2, 3

The day you said your first word
Was the reconnecting of of friendship.

The day you said your three words
We become more than friends.

The day you said those two words
You broke my heart.

One and two
I'm falling for you
But now comes three
I don't know where to be
Should I place my heart in your hand
Knowing that you'll end it again
Five more months and off you go
For 3 whole years I'll never know
The secrets that you hide from me
No video camera can see
Will we be faithful while we're apart
When I have already broken your heart?
One, two and now comes three
Whatever will be, will be

Late into the night
I'm still thinking about you
We just had another fight
I feel like I'm losing you

We were fine in the last 3 days
But the riots are starting
The hurting and the pains
Seems like we're drifting apart

Please come back to me baby
I know, I am sorry
for the words I said
Never meant it that way
All it takes i another chance
To believe in us again
Another place,
So we can fall in love again
Another you, another me
We can make it baby

The time we have together
is getting shorter
The longing in my heart
is getting stronger

I"ve been lonely
When you're not with me
Don't let me heart grow fonder
I rather have you here

Complicated.

Prov 24:33-34

A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest- and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.

Guarding your heart is not easy
You need to be watchful for the thief
Who comes in the darkness of night
See him coming from a distance
You better take flight

If you don't run
It will soon be too late
the rule is
what you feel uncomfortable doing, don't do.

The enemy comes like a cunning thief
Taking on the appearance of a normal man
Like poison in a sweet
You won't know it unless you take the first bite

Now I'm left with heartache and despair
I hurt the person who means the most to me
I have no one to turn to who can comfort me
I need courage to flee
I need the courage to love again
I need the confidence to start over

How long will the hurting carry on
This guilt, this shame, this atrocity

He toyed with my feelings
Manipulated my mind
I'm on his hook
But the hook is gone
to hook another

Animal. Beast. Scum.

I never want to see you again.

Lost

People who break up are not the only people who are lost.

Sigh.

We just talked about spending more time with each other and making it intentional and putting effort and all that. He gave me the assurance I needed ytd.

But I kept calling him tonight and he never answered. Is it another case of him falling asleep? Or in his words, "choosing sleep over you"?

There so much I want to tell him. He said he'd call me back.

Maybe I shouldn't expect him to.

My heart is aching. I thought it was mended last night. But I guess I'm wrong. I'm feeling as emo as I felt, it's back to that.

I was really looking forward to talk to him tonight. I don't even know if I should call him again..

I'll just go back to doing my paper..

times of testing

nothing in this world can satisfy me
jesus you alone can fill me up..

As these words of a song linger in my head
Tears trickle down my cheek
Words of spite and hatred pierce my heart
Holes of unbearable hurt unable to patch up

Today a couple got engaged
It makes me wonder what principles do they hold on to to make their relationship work.
I am struggling in mine.. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do.. The effects are minimal..
He keeps saying that this rship is difficult, complicated.. Etc and today he said that he doesn't undertsand my intentions at all. He says that he's confused, and frustrated and pissed off...

I hate it when he feels this way.. A deep sense of self-loathe comes upon me whenever this happens...

I do hope that i'll get a chance to talk to him tomorrow.. I know tomorrow is going to pass slowly because I'll be thinking about him every minute of the day...

Auditions

Just went for an audition at USS. I think I did well for the dance part but not the singing. I messed it up really badly... pitched the wrong note because I was too nervous and didn't really 'perform'.. I simply sang it.. in summary, it wasn't my best..

I think auditions have a way to build up or tear down your confidence. When you do well and get in for a show, you feel a little more confident. But when you don't make it.. your confidence drops to -100. You just feel like such a loser... a failure...

Well, today's just one of my days... I'm not what they wanted...

It's tough to climb back up again... It will take a while...

TCA Conference

It spoke so deep to my heart.. God is speaking...

This morning's session, this verse came up: Phil 3:10 "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death."

• The more you suffer, the more you know the power of the resurrection.
• His goodness is sometimes expressed in severe mercy.
• In everything, there's no exception, God works all things for his good.

God... so many times I feel like I'm hanging at the end of the rope.. I don't know whether I'm doing what you want me to do but I know that with every step I take.. I want it to be where you have called me to.

Help me to delight in your suffering.

Sad

It's sad when a love one dies.
But sadder when love ones leave...

Why is it that when people leave the church, the friendship stops? They stop asking you out, stop sms-ing, stop calling. Well, maybe not all of them. But even those who bother to keep in contact with you probably only look you up once a year. From seeing each other weekly, the communication dwindles down to once a year...

When you try to talk to them, they seem so distant, as if the friendship never even existed. Everything floats back to being superficial. There's no more sharing of deep thoughts, weeping together or even encouraging one another.

I don't know who to bare my soul to. It's so sad. It seems like those who leave become closer to one another, may be because they have a common thing together.

I'm not angry that they left. I'm just sad that the relationships are strained because people choose to go to different churches. But it shouldn't be this way :(

I'm glad I have close friends from other churches. I wish I didn't need to give up my friendships with people like Vanessa, Evan, Emma, Lindy, Jordan, Christine and others. They meant a lot to me. Most of my memorable events in my life have them inside. From the time I rededicated my life to God to Mission Trips to outings, etc.

Life is not the same without them anymore. I wish it wasn't this way. Sometimes I wonder whether I caused it to happen. Did I not cherish the relationships? Or maybe we just didn't click.

Times have changed alot. Really. I feel like I'm starting all over again, the tedious process of investing into new friends my time and energy. The scariest part is you never know when they're gonna leave.

Nothing is eternal is it?

I only have 8 minutes left before I go out for lunch. I'm listening to Escala's Palladio. I set it on repeat as I'm writing this.

It's christmas eve and I'm feeling like crap. Well, God didn't say that just because it's his bdae, shit won't happen right?

I'm so mad... so so mad... or mebbe i'm stressed... so so stressed... i had a nightmare ytd about all the HMs not making it for camp... and I cried.. I woke up in tears.. Then while checking my mail.. realize that there were lots of confusion and miscommunication.. I find myself doubting my capabilities alot especially given that I'm the Camp Commander. I've never been Camp Commander before. Nobody ever entrusted me such a huge responsibility. and now. Gmail logged me out because I logged into my blog using another email. it sucks! I can't remember where I left off again! Second time today coz my mum accidentally closed all my firefox just now and I had to retrace the few emails I was reading at the same time.

Today's lunch is suppose to be a happy one. I don't know how happy I'll be or do I have to fake it. Seriously, I rather not have any visitors today. I want to do my work. Just do my work and mebbe play a little burnout. (haha. I almost said burn notice). But I've already agreed to meet him later. I set all my plans aside and plan my time so that I can meet him later. But.. he can't do it for me. He always needs time to himself. Fine. I can accept that. Have all the time in the world. I think if I die now, he'll be happiest coz then there'll be no more obligations. no more at all.

Palladio comes to an end and it's almost 1pm. That's when we're leaving. that's it. no more coming back.

Drats

"I'll call you later. Got to go.." That's it. I blew it.

I'm having headaches now and I'm trying to study. Working and studying are really hard together. Got a msg from Elaine today. Really miss her. She says she's tired and feel like giving up. boy do i feel the same way. we both gave virtual hugs to each other coz we can't go on sms-ing. it's too expensive. i wish i had enough money to fly over to meet her.

well.. i can't really study coz i'm thinking about ru. i don't know how he's coping. i can't seem to put my mind at ease.

he asked me how i felt and i told him. he hung up after. i think i'm blaming myself.

Have u ever been scolded by someone and lost the mood to do anything else. I'm feeling like that now.
Parents again. Sigh. How much longer can I take this? I wonder what good could possibly come out of venting their anger on their kids?

Teaching

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”

Found this quote online. It reflects what I've been thinking about.
When I started teaching Evergreen Secondary School 2 weeks back, I thought that this is it. I'm never gonna teach again. I was about to cry in the middle of one of my classes. In another, I find myself struggling to stay while I kept feeling like walking out on them.

I keep telling myself, if I walk out on them, I'm not only telling them that I'm giving up on them, but I'm also showing them that I'm giving up on myself.

I persevered till my last class but I left the school feeling like crap. I had alot on my mind.

Last Friday, I taught at Woodlands Primary. It was one of my best classes :) Today, I went to CHIJ TPY Primary and Telok Kurau Primary. I could see the difference in the type of students. I guess nurture does play a part in a child's growth more than nature. I did enjoy both of the lessons nevertheless and I'll be going back on Wednesday.

I guess, the more I teach, the more I begin to learn about myself - my tolerance level, what makes me lose my cool, etc. I also put what I've gained from Glenn's workshops into good use. Strengths Approach, EAR and other frameworks. I must say, I'm beginning to understand how teachers turn skeptical after teaching for too long. They develop a mindset that the students cannot be helped. And that's really bad. They might have started out with a passion for teaching but as months go by, that passion turns into rage.

I must challenge myself to keep pressing on. I've been talking to friends in sec schools to listen to their perspective about teachers. What makes them pay attention during lesson, or what makes them like the teacher, etc. I firmly believe that it's the teacher's responsibility to interest the student in the subject and not expect the student to be engaged automatically.

I hope to be a good teacher one day - to inspire my students to be the best that they can be :)

Here's a short clip of the Hoedown Throwdown I did with CHIJ TPY Primary today. Enjoy.

Robert H. Schuller

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."

Today didn't go very well. Hmm, what's the point of ranting if the day did right. Well, I'm too tired to talk to anyone, I guess blogging is the best then.

I hate it when my period comes because of my cramps. It's super crampy. I've been having back pains the whole week and today, my whole body is aching. I still have to teach a drama class and a vocal class tomorrow. WORK WORK WORK.

Sometimes you wish your boyfriend could do wonders. Like whenever you're in some deep shit, he will come in shining armour to save you. Girls are too idealistic at times.

There are just some things that men can't do for you. Though they think that they want and can all your problems.

Ru and I don't have that assumption. Thank God. It'll be too stressful to place such expectations on him because if he doesn't live up to it, we'll both feel like crap.

I'm quite happy that I don't expect my man to solve all my problems too. :) and I don't love him any less.

We women need to learn how to take care of ourselves and not be completely dependent on our partners. Notice I said, 'not be completely'. There should still be co-dependence in a relationship, but not TOTAL dependence.

Thank you honey for all your TLC. You make me feel loved and special. Now that you're not here with me, I will take good care of myself. :)

I'm gonna make it through tonight!

Breathe On Me Now

by Kathryn Scott

When my soul has cried its tears
And my heart begins to faint
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

When my days are filled with longing
And my spirit groans and waits
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

I'm calling and waiting
Your presence Lord is life to me

Breathe on me now as I bow down
I'm desperate Lord for more of You
Come satisfy until I
Am even more in need of You

When my dreams have been forgotten
And my hope begins to fade
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

When my days are filled with searching
And my strength has given way
Will You draw near
Will You meet with me

In loving memory of Gerald Chia

Diver drowns on job

21-year-old's body found after two days; air tank taken by police for probe

By Carolyn Quek
		In between running his own scuba diving firm, Mr Chia did freelance work for commercial diving companies. Relatives identified him through the tattoos on his body. -- PHOTO: FACEBOOK

THE badly decomposed body of a commercial diver, missing off western Singapore for two days, bobbed to the surface on Sunday evening.

The body of Mr Gerald Chia Jia Jie, 21, was found near the oil rig he had been working on, still clad in dark-blue work overalls and with his gas tank and face mask still in place.

A Maritime and Port Authority of Singapore (MPA) boat, part of the search operations that had been under way for more than 50 hours, spotted the body at about 6pm.

When Mr Chia went missing at around noon last Friday, he was on only his second assignment underwater for J Diving Services. He had started freelancing for the company only two days before that.

He was carrying out installation works on the oil rig berthed in the Jurong West Anchorage at the time, said Mr A. Fong, 45, J Diving Services' supervisor.

Mr Chia's job was to install shackles on the rig, a relatively simple task, said Mr Fong. Seasoned divers would take 15 minutes to do it, and newcomers, half an hour at the most, he added.

Mr Chia had gone underwater, about 20m down, with a more experienced partner, as is the practice in the industry. The pair were supposed to surface together, but his buddy told his colleagues later that Mr Chia needed to share oxygen with him, although it was not clear why.

Mr Chia took two breaths of air before ascending to the surface. Mr Fong said Mr Chia's buddy followed him up, but lost sight of him and started searching for him without success.

Friends said Mr Chia, who studied marketing at the Management Development Institute of Singapore, took up leisure diving only a few years ago, but quickly became a qualified dive instructor.

In between running his own scuba diving firm known as Jet Scuba, he did freelance work for commercial diving companies.

Read the full story in Monday's edition of The Straits Times.

carolynq@sph.com.sg

My God is very big.

i love...

the quiet home with no one around,
the wind blowing in my face,
reading the papers and catching up with news,
checking out classified for jobs,
the swollen eyes after crying them out the day before,
listening to country music about the honesty of the common folks,
thinking about the life I'm going to live when I move to holland v.,
the fragile me...

shambles.

thanks for the sms gracie. U're a godsend.

today's been one hell of a day. worked from home in the morning and went to beatty for assembly. spent the rest of the afternn at fmss, helping with the carnival. I'd say that it's a success. And it was probably my highlight today.

Came home and was quite happy coz it was quiet. No one was at home. I unpacked and took out my make up. the stillness was much appreciated.

Then people started coming home. When i finally sat down to work, my dad asked for more favours that i couldnt reject.

It looks like the weekend is going to be burned again. And monday is a full camp. I'm falling apart, can hardly breathe. It feels like I need to run.

----------------------------

These thoughts run through my head over and over
I can't believe I'm not the one for you now
These people are coming closer and closer
I gotta run
I gotta run

My life's not mine any more
You took it away
With your ignorance, unconsciousness,
You make me say, "okay"

Turning you down is not an option
You will not let me rest
You drive me crazy with ur emotions
I have nothing left

I wanna run coz I can't stand it
The questions, the guilt, I'm frickin over It.

i can't

just had a heavy week last week and this week, it's not getting any better. I'm not getting enough rest and people are demanding more out of me. Money is a concern to me more than before and nw, it looks like we're gonna move to another part of serangoon.

Nobody asks me how i feel.

I dont know who i can talk to. I feel more pressurized by the day and i'm exhausted. I want my own time, i need my space, esp at home. Sometimes, i dont want to come home. It's always, can u do this for me pls?

I plan my time but it keeps getting messed up. I think i'm beginning to feel like michelle. I'm trying to please everybody.

I feel so sad i think i might sink into depression soon. Pressure at home, pressure from bosses, pressure frm school, pressure even in my rship. I feel that i cant b that supportive girlfriend i used to be before school started. I don't know how to anymore. My head is constantly filled with things to do and my work never seem to end.

I feel terrible.

Maybe i should free up some time tomorrow to take a stroll at the beach or something.

It's so tempting to just shut everyone out. for one day, just for one day. And do what i want to do.

these few years are going to be very trying. I dont know how to prioritise my things. I'm just blabbing on bcoz i feel so lonely and dejected.

Called and smsed chelle many times today but nv got any response. elaine turned me down for a movie tmr. Vocal lessons got cancelled. Dad keeps giving me things to do. I havent revised my psych this week. No time to catch up with news. Struggling with grp project. pissed honey off.

I'm so stretched..