Sad

It's sad when a love one dies.
But sadder when love ones leave...

Why is it that when people leave the church, the friendship stops? They stop asking you out, stop sms-ing, stop calling. Well, maybe not all of them. But even those who bother to keep in contact with you probably only look you up once a year. From seeing each other weekly, the communication dwindles down to once a year...

When you try to talk to them, they seem so distant, as if the friendship never even existed. Everything floats back to being superficial. There's no more sharing of deep thoughts, weeping together or even encouraging one another.

I don't know who to bare my soul to. It's so sad. It seems like those who leave become closer to one another, may be because they have a common thing together.

I'm not angry that they left. I'm just sad that the relationships are strained because people choose to go to different churches. But it shouldn't be this way :(

I'm glad I have close friends from other churches. I wish I didn't need to give up my friendships with people like Vanessa, Evan, Emma, Lindy, Jordan, Christine and others. They meant a lot to me. Most of my memorable events in my life have them inside. From the time I rededicated my life to God to Mission Trips to outings, etc.

Life is not the same without them anymore. I wish it wasn't this way. Sometimes I wonder whether I caused it to happen. Did I not cherish the relationships? Or maybe we just didn't click.

Times have changed alot. Really. I feel like I'm starting all over again, the tedious process of investing into new friends my time and energy. The scariest part is you never know when they're gonna leave.

Nothing is eternal is it?

I only have 8 minutes left before I go out for lunch. I'm listening to Escala's Palladio. I set it on repeat as I'm writing this.

It's christmas eve and I'm feeling like crap. Well, God didn't say that just because it's his bdae, shit won't happen right?

I'm so mad... so so mad... or mebbe i'm stressed... so so stressed... i had a nightmare ytd about all the HMs not making it for camp... and I cried.. I woke up in tears.. Then while checking my mail.. realize that there were lots of confusion and miscommunication.. I find myself doubting my capabilities alot especially given that I'm the Camp Commander. I've never been Camp Commander before. Nobody ever entrusted me such a huge responsibility. and now. Gmail logged me out because I logged into my blog using another email. it sucks! I can't remember where I left off again! Second time today coz my mum accidentally closed all my firefox just now and I had to retrace the few emails I was reading at the same time.

Today's lunch is suppose to be a happy one. I don't know how happy I'll be or do I have to fake it. Seriously, I rather not have any visitors today. I want to do my work. Just do my work and mebbe play a little burnout. (haha. I almost said burn notice). But I've already agreed to meet him later. I set all my plans aside and plan my time so that I can meet him later. But.. he can't do it for me. He always needs time to himself. Fine. I can accept that. Have all the time in the world. I think if I die now, he'll be happiest coz then there'll be no more obligations. no more at all.

Palladio comes to an end and it's almost 1pm. That's when we're leaving. that's it. no more coming back.

Drats

"I'll call you later. Got to go.." That's it. I blew it.

I'm having headaches now and I'm trying to study. Working and studying are really hard together. Got a msg from Elaine today. Really miss her. She says she's tired and feel like giving up. boy do i feel the same way. we both gave virtual hugs to each other coz we can't go on sms-ing. it's too expensive. i wish i had enough money to fly over to meet her.

well.. i can't really study coz i'm thinking about ru. i don't know how he's coping. i can't seem to put my mind at ease.

he asked me how i felt and i told him. he hung up after. i think i'm blaming myself.